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Thursday, December 15, 2011

Fight Club: If You Could Fight Any Author, Who Would It Be?

Ā©arefully drawn by artist B.C. Matthews

I had a difficult choice to make. Which author would I choose to fight? Knock down, drag out, blood-on-the-floor fight? My first instinct was to say Steinbeck for forcing me to read The Grapes of Wrath, not once, but three times (once in high school and twice in college). You had an entire chapter about a freakin' turtle crossing the road. A. Whole. Freaking. Chapter. I was forced to spend hours of my life analyzing what that represented. You made me hate symbolism, Mr. Steinbeck, and I was a flippin' literature major.

The other half of me said, "Hey wait what about those overachieving authors that you love?" Yes, love is a form of hate, right? So, Asimov-- it's on like Donkey Kong. I mean, you're a science genius and you wrote hundreds of books. Hundreds. You're one of the founding fathers of the whole science fiction genre. Seriously, let's duke it out, bro.

Then I got to thinking. If there's one thing I've learned from working at my laboratorial Day Job, it's that you don't mess with scientists. They know of all the clever ways to dispose of your body. Also, you don't mess with Russians. I've seen what happens to James Bond. And Indiana Jones (I tried to ignore that little venture, Indy, I really did, but you got your ass handed to you by the Reds).  

So what other author do I admire? Someone badass, but not too badass. I mean I don't want to lose, but I want it to be a fair fight too.

Then I knew.

Neil "the Schiznit" Gaiman.

Not Neil Diamond. That's right, Neil Gaiman. I grew up around guys who wear leather jackets and I know, you don't don the leather unless you can back it up. With fists. Okay, so you're English. I won't hold that against you. Really, you can't help where you're born. And while the whole comic book thing some might see as wussy (sorry, graphic novels), I know better. Those comic book reading nerd kids grow up to do some weird form of martial arts that no one can pronounce like keek-yor-arse, and ima-messs-u-up. I'm not fooled. I've got your number, Mr. Gaiman. So, you think you're funny, sir? It's the funny kids you have to watch out for, always cracking wise and then coming in with a wicked left hook.

Yeah, I read your American Gods, and your Anansi Boys, and your Neverwhere (saw the series too). So what? And sure, you may have written one of my favorite Doctor Who episodes and Babylon 5 episodes. But can you duke it out? It's go time.

Game on, dude. Game on.

(Disclaimer: I don't really want to physically harm, fight, beat up, or pummel Mr. Neil Gaiman. Plus, I choose to believe that Mr. Gaiman would never hit someone wearing glasses--i.e me. I don't know if that's true, but he just seems like such a nice guy.)

Who would you fight?


At December 21, 2011 at 2:54 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not a big "reader" of "books" per se, but there is an author I'd like to have it out with: L.J. Smith, author of The Vampire Diaries and the Night World series.

The last book of the Night World series which was leading up to a turn-of-the-century apocalyptic battle was supposed to come out in 1999 (yes, over 12 years ago)! There were rumors that the author was sick, so I accepted the fact that the book was going to be published later than expect, and I waited patiently. And waited. I got on with my life but still periodically checking amazon.com and other online sources for information on the publication of this last book. It had a title and everything, "Strange Fate."

Then Twilight was thrust upon us and teens were into vampires again. The CW even made a television series of The Vampire Diaries. At this point I got a bit excited. L.J. Smith's work was coming back for all to see! She even added a couple of sequel series to The Vampire Diaries called The Vampire Diaries: Stefan's Diaries and The Vampire Diaries: The Hunters. I was overjoyed! She was writing again! Surely "Strange Fate" was available now. Nope. They have a cover for it on amazon.com along with 9 reviews of fans wondering what the hell is going on with this book.

I understand she had to deal with personal issues, and I hope all is well with her and her family, but if she had time to write sequels for a finished series, she can write one more 200-page book. (Though after doing some research on the subject, it looks like it might even be 1000 pages divided into two parts with two different release dates.) What the hell, L.J. Smith? Let's have it out. You and me.

At December 23, 2011 at 1:07 AM , Blogger B.C. Matthews said...

I'd say it was time for the boxing gloves. 12 years is a really, really long time.


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