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Monday, January 2, 2012

5 People To Rely On When The Zombies Attack

©ontentiously drawn by artist B.C. Matthews 

Well, it's here now: the Zombie Apocalypse (or the Zocalypse). And I know what you're thinking. Why didn't you read your Zombie Survival Guide? Why didn't you stockpile weapons, food, and medical supplies for the impending doom? And why didn't you get with those cardio workouts? Well people, quite honestly, I never thought I'd have to deal with the Zocalypse, and therefore I kept living my comfortable, middle class life instead of holing up in a bunker smack dab in the middle of a swamp somewhere. I didn't prepare.

In order to survive, it'll take a few smarts and a whole lot of dumb luck to get by. But really, the best thing to do in this situation is to find someone close with those kick-ass skills that I've been so wholly lazy in obtaining. So, who can you rely on when the zombies come a calling for your brain meats? They'll need a few key survival skills.

1. Someone with access to guns and the knowledge to use them: This could mean someone in the military, or on the police force. That's provided that they aren't: a) already overrun trying to contain the spread, or b) the ones trying to contain the spread by killing you. So why don't you find yourself a nice small-town sheriff with a heart of gold and the need to protect your skill-less ass, and then get on with surviving.

2. The hunter: So you always thought that your neighbor's yearly hunting trips went a little too far, I mean, it wasn't just about bringing down a deer with a rifle, but about skinning it, making a hat out of it and stuffing the delicious venison with more meat. While you might've thought they were a little nuts for their taxidermy obsession, and their backyard BBQ of squirrel carcasses, now their skills will come in mighty handy when you're looking for something to eat. Bubba just might save your ass, one squirrel at a time.

3. A doctor, Jim: You need the real McCoy to stitch you up, to heal your wounds when the blood doesn't all belong to the zombies. At the very least you need a pharmacist, someone to point out that the little blue pills you "appropriated" from the drugstore aren't going to cure that headache. If you're good, you'll wind up with a doctorial genius who can either figure out the zombies, what makes them tic, or will come up with a cure. Medical knowledge will be a necessity when you're smack dab in the war against zombification, so find yourself a nice McDreamy and put him to work.

4. The botanist: I'm assuming that you're already packed and ready to leave the suburban wastelands of the world's major cities. If you're lucky or you were at least smart in choosing your city carefully, you'll be within hours of a nice quiet forest, mountains, or untouched rolling hills and streams. When you do make it out of the city alive, you won't know a delicious wild mushroom from a psychedelic one, or worse—the ones that'll kill you. Having a trained botanist will help you pick out the wild edible things you otherwise might've missed and keep you from killing yourself eating those bright red berries.

5. The chemist: Chemists know how to do nasty things to bodies—seriously, just ask one. They're a funny lot, these chemistry nerds, but they'll come in handy when you need to make something that goes BOOM in the night. Mixing chemicals is their line of work, so why not set them to the task of zombie defense? They will become your backyard warriors of demolition.

Are you ready for the Zocalypse?

2 Comments:

At January 3, 2012 at 6:56 PM , Anonymous Leah said...

McGyver. No - 5 McGyvers. He's everthing you need all wrapped up into one convenient person. And if one of them inconveniently gets himself killed saving you from the "Horde", you still have 4 others.

 
At January 4, 2012 at 6:17 PM , Blogger B.C. Matthews said...

McGyver really is the perfect person to rely on when the Apocalypse is upon us! However, McGyver doesn't use guns, he uses his AWESOME.

Chuck Noris also would be a big help...

 

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