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Saturday, June 16, 2012

Gaining Friends through Vaguebooking!

Hello, class! Welcoming to Gaining Friends through Vaguebooking!

I'm assuming that if you're here, then you're on the biggest social networking site in the world—The Facebook. Here you can connect with distant friends and loved ones, or receive private messages from your mom from across the room (she's telling you it's dinner time!)

Now that you've exhausted status post topics about:
  • The banalities of everyday soul-crushing 9-5 work
  • Your 3-year-old's adorable little farts.
  • Your expensive vacay to a tropical island and photos of you getting hammered on mai tais. 
  • Reposts about a sick, one-legged dog with brain cancer, wherein if your friends DO NOT LIKE the post, the dog will not survive, because the Charity claiming to save him relies solely on "thumbs up" signals.
  • Changing your relationship status more often than Paris Hilton's body mutates new strains of STDs.
  • Blah blah—something about Jesus—blah blah blah.

Turn to a new way of making friends! Make your status updates shine like new! Your friends will comment, comment, COMMENT on your FB page!

How to win new friends and gather comments like never before?

One word: Vaguebooking.

Ever wonder why your status updates have to be so exact and full of context? Ever dream of just letting out your inner emotions for the entire world to see, but hiding it behind trite ambiguities? Ever just want to speak to one person who gets you, but want to make it confusing for the rest of your friends?

Class, today you can achieve your dreams! Vaguebooking is a scientifically-sound method of confusing those who read your status to the point that they will be psychologically compelled to comment. The scientists in our highly specialized labs have done countless experiments on the nature of Vaguebooking, and have come up with the perfect method. Many commenters click the "like" button before their higher brain functions become aware of their actions. The art of Vaguebooking is in tricking the brain into a morass of confusion so great that it must achieve clarification!

Follow these simple steps to become a Vaguebooking pro!

1.) Make your status into high-school grade poetry. Nothing says "WTF?" like a haiku revealing your inner ennui. Make sure it's not too full of concrete imagery! Any higher order metaphors will be lost on the masses of your friends.

2.) Mention something only one of your friends will understand. The rest of your friends will clamor for understanding and your attention!

3.) Use single words only. Make sure you use "Help!" at least once. Other good options are: "lucky," "depressed," or "food!"

4.) Use abbreviations! No one will understand!

5.) Mention something that can either be taken as a) something innocuous or b) something sexual.

6.) Make sure you use common sayings, mottos, and idioms like "walk a mile in my shoes" or "every dog has his day." It'll make you look smart, while still being incredibly vague.    

7.) Emoticons are your ticket to ultimate Vaguebooking.

8.) Make sure your existential crisis is made vague enough that people will care! Say things like "Why me?" and "Where will life take me?"

9.) Quote a single line from a song, but don't attribute it to the artist. Make sure it encompasses how you feel, but make sure you don't state this. Take someone else's words for your own!

10.) As always: BE VAGUE. Think you're being too literal? Make it vague! Don't put down concrete thoughts. Make it vague! Instead of saying "I think it was a bad idea to bang that hooker with the lazy eye," you should say "it was a bad idea!!!!" Remember to use extra punctuation (4 exclamation points or 6 question marks minimum).

Remember instead of: "I'm so tired of this confusing, idiotic rat-race of modern life that I'll just go eat a shit-ton overly processed snack foods to make me feel fatter." 
You should say: "I'm so tired of all of this." 

Now Vaguebookers, you have many friends clamoring for your attention!

This class can be purchased for 4 installments of only $99.99. Get it while supplies last!

Now class, leave your best vaguebook comments below!


At June 16, 2012 at 3:55 PM , Blogger Unknown said...

You rock, B.C.

At June 16, 2012 at 3:55 PM , Blogger Unknown said...

You rock, B.C.

At June 16, 2012 at 3:55 PM , Blogger Unknown said...

You rock, B.C.

At June 16, 2012 at 6:09 PM , Blogger Corinna AKA Corinna said...

My personal favorite: REALLY?!

At June 16, 2012 at 6:57 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Positively brilliant! You have to check all my status updates before I post them from now on!

At June 17, 2012 at 6:47 PM , Blogger B.C. Matthews said...

@Corinna "REALLY!?" is very good vaguebooking, but it would be much improved by placing more exclamation points and question marks so it looks like:

"REALLY!!!!??????" Or even "REALLY!?!?!?"

At June 18, 2012 at 9:47 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...


At June 18, 2012 at 11:46 AM , Blogger B.C. Matthews said...

@Anon Y. Mouse- This is wonderfully vague. Not only can the subject be taken vaguely, also your very identity! Well done on the excessive letter 'm.'GOLD STAR!

At June 19, 2012 at 6:49 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

BAD IDEA!!!! Early bird gets the worm, but why me?????

At June 19, 2012 at 10:16 PM , Blogger B.C. Matthews said...

Excellent Vaguebooking! Triple GOLD STAR!

At June 21, 2012 at 1:29 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear B.C. Mathews,

I love you for writing this.

Yours Truely,

Stacy "F**** Vaguebooking" B.

At June 24, 2012 at 4:49 PM , Blogger B.C. Matthews said...

Why thank you for your kind, yet not vague words dear Stacy "Fuck Vaguebooking" B.


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