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Wednesday, November 9, 2016

The Clockwork Dragon #32: Choosing the Right Path

The fire burns were a constant throbbing pain across his arms and chest, and lower neck, but Zefir tried to force his mind away from it all. From the pain of his wings, both the muscles that had been torn and the membranes, which felt too warm like a constant fever of suppuration. He tried to glory in the fact that he was alive, for when he first awoke to Innari's healing ministrations he hadn't been so certain.

"I was one of the four that caught you from your fall," the last of the Wheelteeth Navs said, a young man who looked sheepish to admit it. "And I'll remember your scream for years to come, great dragon. It wasn't...only pain. I could hear that. But rage too. Perhaps...I'm sorry, but it sounded like despair. All things I would've felt if not for you...my little brother and my father didn't have time to flee into the hills."

More tears. Zefir didn't know if he could stand to see any more of the humans and their tears. The scent of them was always unique, yet the same. The smell of salt and sadness. The worst was that memory of their tears always etched itself into Zefir's scent-sight-sound profile of them, as was the sound of their weeping.

The Wheelteeth boy waited for him to speak, as he had with all of the others. So many. I just want to sleep.

"You're our rescuer, great dragon," said the boy, sniffling. "Our champion—"

"No. I'm not." Zefir felt that heat growing within him, a flicker of anger. Not at the Nav, no. But at allowing this one to think that Zefir should be seen as some sort of Leader. A battle hero, when he was anything other than that. "Had any of you been in my position you would've done the same."

A hesitant guilt creased his youthful expression. 

Valin sat on a camp chair between Zefir's bulk and Innari's flank, and he touched Zefir's wing. "Thank you, Senzhi Kenai. We are grateful for your words of gratitude." Words repeated with each and every person. But now they sounded hollow. Even his Navigator was tired of hearing the Wheelteeth regard them as champions, as heroes.

The boy bowed and left the healing tent. And Zefir pondered over the fact that their gratitude would remain in his memory forever, but that it hadn't necessarily made him feel as if his actions had been particularly courageous, not when he remembered the Cog Clan hawkling he'd torn apart with his bare hands. That Nav had flown to the sundisk, and his family wouldn't be giving Zefir any thanks.

The only thing that made him feel anything other than tired, his entire heart-mind so weary he wondered if it would threaten to shut down—shut everything out for good—was that his squadron was sitting next to him. Alive.

But missing one now.

Throughout the entire proceedings Jarre would pretend to close a single eye and Innari would poke him experimentally with a claw, and then Jarre would smile—half grimacing at the pain of the X on his large cheek. And Innari would snort at him, knowing she'd been teased, and would then lick him with her brass tongue until Jarre protested that he didn't "want to be covered in dragon spit."

This happened several times until now, without the interruptions from the Wheelteeth Navs, Innari was giggling like a pleased little girl. And now she decided that Jarre did indeed need to be covered in dragon-spit, telling the big Third that her saliva "was a healing salve." His Third place up his hands, laughing, protesting as Innari licked every exposed bit of flesh. "I relent! I surrender! Sun-and-stars, you win, moon dragon. I'll heal now in no time."

Ferrei rose to her feet, body stiff, and she marched out of the tent.

Innari paused, drooping, her ears flat against her head. But Jarre flicked a bit of spit from his cheek at her. "She'll be well, Innari. Don't fret about her."

"But she's angry," said the little dragon. "I feel it."

Valin shook his head. "Not at you, Innari. She needs time. Leave her be for the moment. She's in no danger."

Zefir wished he could heed his Navigator's words to his sibling, but Zefir forced himself to his feet, stifling a groan as his sore muscles protested. Then without a word to any of them, he ducked his head through the tent and saw her walking brusquely toward the rear of the line of tents. He didn't need to move quickly in order to stop her from walking any further.

She wouldn't look up at him. "Leave me for a time, Zefir."

"I know what you want to do," he said. "And you can't. Kirwen will try very hard not to kill you if you attack her, but will do so if necessary. We are no longer prisoners. If there's one thing to be said for her, it's that she will honor her words. We can go when we wish."

"So you're inside my head too now?" Ferrei shot him that wry frown.

"Does it bother you that Innari gave you her virul-cogs?"

"No," she answered with accustomed candor. "Innari needed someone. She needed a companion, as she doesn't truly need a Nav. And she chose me. I'm not angry about that. Rather honored, in fact."  

"And do you think you'll benefit Innari by getting yourself killed?" Zefir sat back on his haunches, looking down at her from a height. Something he found uncomfortably haughty. "And for no reason but vengeance?"

Ferrei clenched her teeth. "That wolf-bitch killed Nyru, and if I meet our First at the sundisk in trying to honor her name—"

"No," Zefir snapped. "Nyru killed Nyru. Our First chose her end. For us, Ferrei. You don't honor her by sacrificing yourself for mere vengeance. Revenge solves nothing. And you know she would tell you that. Don't make her sacrifice for nothing."

Her eyes watered, and she looked away from his face. "You don't know what she'd say. If she were here, Nyru would spit on me if she saw—" and she pointed sharply at the X on her face. "The traitor's mark. I must regain some semblance of blood-honor..."

"Because you think you've lost it?" he asked softly. "Or because you know you haven't?"

She blinked at him, inhaling to keep her tears at bay.

Zefir tried not to listen to the cadence of her heartbeat, but he came to the realization, and spoke it aloud. "You know you could never best Kirwen in a fight. You want her to...to kill you. Why?"

She clenched her teeth, and a low moan of pain came from her.

Zefir lowered his face toward hers. "Tell me, my Second."

Frowning, she closed her eyes. "There's so much guilt, Zefir. But not for the reasons you think." She opened her eyes, and having battled against tears she claimed her own personal victory against them. "The Inventrix heralded our return. She praised me for having such courage to escape, telling me that what she saw upon Innari's back proved that I was the highest of my blood—the golden child. That I was the pinnacle of breeding, that all of her hopes for my line were realized inside of me."

Zefir waited, worrying that Mother's words were meant only manipulate. Or worse, that Mother's mind had decayed enough that she truly believed it.

"She showed me the two flyer beasts," Ferrei continued, voice tight. "Told me that I was the one truly chosen to be the second's Navigator. She gifted it to me, saying that I was destined to be the one to stop the war. But I saw the cargo, Zefir. I saw it. And I knew. If Valin hadn't taught me some of his techie skills, I never would've known just how much destruction it would wreak. I would've simply believed her words without question: this is the path to the end of the war."

Zefir wanted to touch her as she shuddered, but refrained. "You told her no."

Her eyes lifted, and the pain he saw there was devastating. "That's the thing, dragon. I didn't. I told her yes."

He blinked in confusion.

"I told her yes," his Second said through a choked sob. "Because I knew what our Inventrix said was true. That thing, that horror of a machine, was the path to the end of the war. And I wanted it to end. With all my heart, my soul. I wanted it all to end. No more of those I loved would be lost. No more like Nyru and Denaru. I still have Jarre and Innari, but I didn't want to lose anyone else. This was the end. I could stop it all."

Zefir desperately wanted to ask what turned her from it, but when he moved his face down to touch her she shifted away from him.

"I prayed, Zefir. I prayed hard." She crossed her arms over her chest, still not daring to touch him. "I asked my ancestors what I should do. But they were silent, like they always are. I asked the sun to illuminate the darkness inside of me, but everything still felt cold and bleak. I asked Denaru and Nyru, I begged for them to send me a sign. But there was still nothing."

Zefir tried to contain a sorrowful whine, but some of it rumbled deep in his throat.

"I wanted to destroy them," she said, voice barely a whisper. "But then I saw the young ones, the Navs merely five-and-ten, dug up from their respective bloodlines to fight in the final battle. Younger than ever before. And I wanted to protect them from the battle in which they'd die. I wanted to end it before any more of them were lost."

She set a hand on Zefir's nose, feeling his warm breath, but still not looking at him. "And then I saw one of our Navs in the shadows. In that instant, his flight jacket looked Wheelteeth red. I thought that his face looked as terrified as I felt. Haunted by the prospect of more fighting."

Zefir had never wanted to embrace her more than he did now. His wings fluttered, wanting to scoop her up.     

"And I...Sun take me, Zefir, I could only see a boy terrified of dying. And I knew I couldn't take any more of them. I'm sick to death of it all, of the killing. And I couldn't bring myself to...I couldn't be the one to kill them all. They weren't just the Wheelteeth. They were that terrified boy. Be he either Cog or Wheelteeth. It didn't matter. I would steal away his life before he really began to live. And I was sick, Zefir. Sick. I wanted to die so I wouldn't have to see all of the death." She bit her lip until it began to bleed. "And I told our Inventrix no. I told her that the very idea of murdering so many...I knew how many innocents would die in flames, the very idea would make my ancestors weep. They would shun me and I'd burn in the lowest of the ten hells. And she moved so quickly, she was no more than a blur. She was already wearing her judges regalia, and she marked me with the blade of justice."   

Zefir released a low keen, and he opened his burned arms to her, stretching his aching, painful wings. Still, she backed away from him, and his stolid and immovable Second wept. He folded his wings about her, clenching his teeth against the pain, but he didn't touch her. He simply blocked out the sight of the rest of the world.

"You did what you thought was right," he said quietly.

Ferrei shook her head, tears still cascading down her cheeks. "I don't know anymore. Listening to the Wheelteeth thanking me, all I could think of was—" she backed away from him, bumping into his wings and stopping. "All I could think was that I should've done it. That I'd chosen the wrong path. That I could've stopped this war even at the cost of so...many. All those young daughters and sons and sisters and brothers and their old grandmeres and grandferes and their wounded lovers...What kind of monster am I, Zefir? How can I still doubt that saving them was the wrong path?"

"Because you know the costs of saving one might mean letting another die," Zefir said slowly. I ripped apart that hawkling. "I understand it, Ferrei. I too want nothing more than the end of this. And the same part of you that wants the end also wants peace. Not total obliteration. Not the endless trading of lives and death. Not death for yourself. Peace. And you knew that then, and part of you knows that now."

She closed her eyes, and the tears beaded in her dark lashes. "Dear merciful sun, I want to embrace you, Zefir. But I know it'll hurt you. Until Innari told me she heard you, I thought you were gone...one more of those I loved flown to the sundisk. Another loss, another sacrifice."

"Still here," he said, feeling his sad smile. "Then allow me to sacrifice a little pain for a little comfort."

"I-I don't deserve comfort," she said firmly.

Zefir snorted, still holding his painful arms wide. "Yes, you do deserve it. But this isn't for you, my Second. It's for me. I need this."

She let out a sob-laugh, wiping quickly at her face and the tracks of her tears. But she studied his dragon face so close to hers, and her brows wrinkled.

Part of me wants to remember you like this, Zefir thought. My sorrow, my uncertainty, and your sorrow, your uncertainty. My strength and yours united.

Oh-so carefully she embraced him, attempting to avoid the worst rust-color of the burns on his pseudo-metallic skin. Her small, human arms encompassed barely a fraction of his chest, but he used his arms to hold her frail little human shell. He kept his wings around them, still needing to block the world from their sight. And he remembered when he first held her in his hands, desperate to save her from the threat of a firebomb. He felt her shake as she wept again, silently.

"Promise me, Ferrei," he rumbled. "Promise me you won't seek out death, because I can't bear the thought of one more of my kin sacrificing themselves."

But he could hear the cadence of her heartbeat change from that sorrowful confusion to the steady beat of his steadfast and decisive Second. Slowly, she released him and he let go.

She took a step away from him and readjusted her flight jacket, unbuttoned though it was. "I promise, Zefir. For you, if for no one else."

Zefir scented the presence of his sibling. Close. "Not even for Innari?"

Jarre's voice came from behind them. "Aw, hells. My blood-cousin will only punch me. Feel lucky, Zefir. She embraces her kin rarely."

Zefir craned his neck to see Innari and Jarre standing side by side, his sibling with a worried frown, and Jarre with his usual grin. Her tail flicked back and forth as she scented at Ferrei, her concern contorting her smoothly crafted dragon brow.

"Is that true?" Innari asked. "Do you not wish to embrace me?"

Ferrei still brushed away the last of her tears, and opened her arms. His sibling bounded toward her, catching Ferrei up like a feline holding a delicate butterfly between her mighty brass paws; but Ferrei embraced Innari's lithe chest fiercely, burying her face until Innari used her long wings to encompass her, drawing her closer.

"There," Jarre said lowly to Zefir. "She needed that."

"Which one?"

Jarre smiled, and Zefir nodded in understanding.

Zefir peered at the hastily carved X on his Third's cheek, and Jarre's eyes darkened. "Ah, this old thing. Well, it tends to happen when you tell your Inventrix that she can shove her offer where the sun never shines."  

"What offer?"

Jarre's eyes shadowed, but again he tried for a smile and lost. "I wasn't about to lead the Third wing into their death flight. They were decoys, and all of them would die. I would die. She was leading them to the slaughter, playing them like throw away cards. I told her I would rather eat a flechette than to lead them. She almost took me up on that offer." Jarre watched as Innari began to gently lick Ferrei's cheeks clean of her drying tears. "I swore to myself I would never again be ruled by my shadowfall, but this...this would've plunged me so deep that I would've rather died. On the ground. Branded a coward. Instead, all I got was this X." He shrugged. "It'll leave an interesting scar, which will match those of my squadmates anyway. Perhaps one day we'll all wear it well."   

Zefir nodded, bumping Jarre's shoulder with his nose. "You already do."

Jarre's tight-lipped smile spoke more of his worry than the darkest frown. "Valin says that you've made a bargain with the Wolf. You fly to see the Inventrix."

"I must try, Jarre," Zefir said, still watching Innari clutching at his Second.

"Even after all she's done?"

Zefir sighed, and reluctantly tucked his wings back to his side. "She's my Mother. She made me. If there's anyone who can reach her it will be me. I know you see only the monster she's become, but in her own mind she's in the right. She's protecting her Clan. In the past she's shown that she will destroy something, anything if it saves what means the most to her." He was thinking of the Trial, but realized the firebomb was yet more proof.

"That's not very comforting, dragon," Jarre drawled. "We won't let you go. We can't."

"You will, Third Leader." Zefir watched as Innari began rocking Ferrei in her arms, making that strange purr-rumble in her chest. He wanted to commit the sight to the deepest, most stable part of his memory. Remember it forever. "I might be the only hope for ending this war peacefully. And I won't be deterred."

Jarre grinned, and patted Zefir with his normal rough slaps before realizing it may have hurt Zefir. "Then we go with you."

"You can't—"

Valin's voice came from near, his voice firm in conviction. "Where you go the squad goes."

Zefir frowned at his Navigator hobbling toward them, wishing that Valin would have time to heal. "There's no need for the squad. You've been marked, all of you. And as exiles returned you'll only be held prisoner—"

"As if that's any different from normal," muttered Jarre. "At this point I fear it doesn't really matter which Clan holds us prisoner. It may be our lot in life. But if we're to go, we go together."

Ferrei said from over Innari's wing. "That's never in question, Zefir."

Zefir nodded, even knowing that there was no way he could take them with him. There was no telling what the Cog scouts might do to them even before he reached Mother. "Then we go this afternoon. Sleep while you can."

And while they slept, Zefir would make his way alone.


The squad had decided to all sleep in the huge healing tent together, and even Innari slept soundly, her tail curled around Ferrei's cot, her head resting near Jarre's snoring. Zefir was amused that his sibling could sleep through the sound. He listened carefully to their breaths, noting when they were in their deepest sleep. Even Valin had fallen into an exhausted, and deep sleep. Carefully, Zefir exited the tent, worried that the one to hear him may be Innari. But even she had flown fast and hard, and the cadence of her heart-mind ticked in deep rest mode.

He stared up at the sky for a moment, wondering if he shouldn't go back into the tent to await them so they could all fly together. But he shook his head to himself. There was no need for them to sacrifice their freedom for what he needed to do. Yes, it was a need pressing against the whirr-hum of his heart-mind. Not only to convince Mother, to make her see the truth as he could not Kirwen, but to simply see her again.

He didn't need to fly at a great altitude, and he could glide well enough without a Navigator. It would hurt, ten hells and demons, it would hurt. But his legs quivered to launch skyward when Zefir heard a quiet voice, "You would really choose to do this alone?"

His Navigator stood just outside the tent, the bruises beneath his eyes ever more pronounced.

"I have to," he whispered. "Let me do this, Valin."

Valin gave him a half smile. "I'll give you a head start."

And before his Navigator could say another word, Zefir leaped into the sky, his wings already feeling aflame.

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